Originally Posted on OCTOBER 9, 2016
“I’m constantly asking the Lord for help. Every day I plead with Him in prayer.
I take all my problems to Him and tell Him all my troubles.
When I’m ready to give up, He knows what I should do. Wherever I walk, my enemies have laid traps for me.
When I look around for help, no one is there to protect me but You; no safe place remains; no one cares about me but You.
Lord, I come to You for help. You are my protector. You are all I want in this life.
Please listen to my cry for help because I’m about to give up. Save me from those who are persecuting me, for they are stronger than I am.
Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name, then the righteous will gather about me because of Your goodness to me.” – Psalms 142:1-7
Based on an article by Natalia Perez: http://accent.southern.edu/articles/news/top/opinion-how-to-heal.html
There are three words that have found themselves manifested in my life for the past month or so: Set me free. Lately, I’ve been a bit irritated with myself. I work hard, sleep less, eat sparingly, and work eternally. Here’s my list of occupations, and it’s a long one: I work for my university’s Campus Ministries, I’m a teacher’s assistant for my advisor in my major, I’m an actor that entertains other students for a big production done twice a semester, I’m a senator for my school’s Student Association, I’m an active member of a community of people around the city that want to eradicate race issues in Chattanooga, I sit on multiple committees, I take upwards of fifteen credit hours, and I’m a boyfriend who’s nearly five thousand miles away from his girlfriend. I’m a workaholic to say the least. Here’s the thing about being me: I hold myself to an unrealistic, romantic standard in which I accept nothing but perfection, and anything less than that is a failure and disappointment. It’s imprisonment of the mind, and I, like so many of you, am chained to the walls of my perfectionism. Today, Phil’s Philosophy is self-help, and yes, maybe it’s a little long, but perhaps a little more necessary. Depression is something that scares most people, and I’m not one to put a label on myself, but it is what it is.
I love words, but a lot of the time, words can either cut you or they can heal you. I’ve heard some of the worst words thrown at me throughout my life. “You’re so selfish.” “I never loved you.” “I hate you, and I wish you would die.” “Get out of my life, I never want to see you again!” “You’re the most arrogant person I’ve ever known.” “You have no friends; you must be lonely.” “Maybe if you weren’t so lazy, you’d have girls to keep off of you, but all you do is sleep.” There are days when I feel not the slightest bit of hope. There have been days in the past few years where I’ve prayed for a heart attack so I could take a mandatory break. One doesn’t talk about such authentic pain to the world, and because I have a “Perfectionist’s Image,” stuck in my mind, I don’t talk about it either.
Throughout the years, I’ve taken each of these words, dipped them in ink, and have hung them all over my “Perfectionist Wall”. I’ve expected such ideas to motivate me, but instead the ink dries, and the parchment is somehow perfectly preserved on the Wall. The Wall is as thick as the Iron Curtain that once separated the East from the West The Wall makes me feel unworthy, unloved, unvalued, unproductive, and unappreciated. Some of these now famous passages on the wall came from teachers, family, people I thought were my friends, and people I thought were my trusted mentors. When things aren’t going so well, I remember such ideas that others have formed about me.
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” – Lecrae
Words of hate are my soul’s bane, but words of affirmation are the keyblade to unlocking the great love for beauty and empathy I have within my heart. I love all people, but sometimes I put too much of myself into them to try to make them happy, which leaves me feeling more wasted than LeBron James at the end of the 2016 NBA Finals. So how do I survive? Well, first off, I am not insane, nor do I have need of suicide watch or something of the sort.
“I’m not crazy. I just have a severe ‘cold’. Help me.”
I don’t need you to tell me, “Pray more. Have you talked to God? Be happy, other people have it worse than you.”
Do you know what that says to people like us?
“You’re a bad Christian. You haven’t had your Jesus time and that explains why you’re always melancholy. People are dying, and you can’t get over yourself.”
Let’s analyze such ideas.
David was depressed quite a bit. Solomon was very melancholic. Jesus felt horribly alone before taking up the cross. Elijah ran all the way back to Mount Sinai because he felt alone, depressed, and afraid. These people were extremely close to God, but were not afraid to be authentic and real about their feelings and seek healing from not only God, but good people around them who’d encourage them. Where are all those good people? Well… YOU! Go out and love people who you’ve seen are bummed out, listen when they speak, don’t talk over them, hug them, be intentional about loving them.
How do we heal?
Talk to us, and ask engaging questions like “How did this all begin?”
Give us words of affirmation.
Be patient with us.
Be kind to us.
Hug us.
Love us.
“You look great today, Phil!” “I really appreciate you.” “You’re the sweetest person ever.” “Your acting last night was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!” “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” “You’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had.” “Thanks for all that you do.” “I love you.” —- Spread words like these, rather than hate. You never know what a good or bad word can do in someone’s life. Instead, I wish to hang more and more of these words on my Wall, and I pray that one day these good words will replace all the old ones that have been ingrained into my memories.
We’ve all been sick or hurt in some way, some of us will be hurt indefinitely, and some of us are just coming out of a coma again. For those of us who are in this group of awesome people… Don’t lose hope. Don’t be afraid. Pain teaches empathy, which becomes bravery, and eventually grows into perseverance.
These are the bruises my life has left me with, and I am privileged to be broken. How else would the Light get in?
“Someone put your hand out,
I’m begging for your love.
‘Cause all I do is hand out,
A heart that needs your love.”
Michael Jackson | Someone Put Your Hand Out (Unreleased)