”One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain.
Now, I’m so amazing.
I’ve loved and I’ve lost,
But that’s not what I see
So, look what I got.
Look what you taught me
And for that, I say
Thank you, next.”
Ariana Grande | “Thank U, Next”
Let me be real with you. I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I don’t know if I want to stay in the field that I’m in. I’m graduating in half a year. I have lofty visions, goals, and dreams, and I’m ready to drop everything and chase them.
My grandparents have risked absolutely everything for me. When I was born, my mother was around my current age. My father went around doing things he wasn’t supposed to, and my home was broken, but it never really felt like it. God had a plan. My grandparents made sure to step in and helped raise me. In those early days, and even now, they have been like a second pair of parents. They made me who I am.
Throughout my childhood, they always did the little things. I could live hours away, but they would come get me and take me to the Texas State Fair (if you haven’t been, you’re missing out on the greatest fair in the world--especially if you love food. Fried Oreos, my dudes). They would make sure that I was active, choosing to spend their money on piano lessons. My grandfather, from inner-city Philadelphia, didn’t want me to be a softy. He enrolled me in Tae Kwon Do until he was confident (and I was confident) that I could defend myself and my mom wherever we were. My grandparents knew I loved to read and they knew I absolutely adored history and geography. For every state I moved to, I would chart it on the map like Nathan Drake. It was my grandparents who would agree to take me to places like New York City, Philadelphia, Washington, D. C., Atlanta, Los Angeles, and the list goes on and on. I’d find some obscure museum on the map, and my grandparents would go off course and trust me enough to get us there safely. They’d buy me every VeggieTales video and spend all Sabbath playing Bible board games and card games with me, even if they were tired.
My heart hurts for children like me who didn’t have a fatherly figure nor have the grandparents that I did.
One of the most important things my grandparents ever did was start saving for my higher education before I could even comprehend the expenses of university life. I didn’t know, but once I chose my university (they even gave me the freedom to do that), my grandparents were fully prepared to take me on a shopping spree for the things I needed, and the things I wanted. They always wanted me to have a clean living space, good quality clothes, and anything else I needed.
I’ve been working for an institution for higher education, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I haven’t given myself much time to explore myself and learn who it is Phillip is supposed to be and what he’s supposed to do in the world. I’ve been so busy trying to fight institutional and systemic racism, be the bridge between cultures, and destroy stereotypical misconceptions, that I haven’t fought the version of Phillip that wants to be comfortable.
“Phil, you showed your institution what diversity and inclusion should look like. You can’t expect them to totally understand it, nor can you expect them to thank you in a much higher capacity. You’ve done your duty. You are the type of student who went above and beyond. Now, they are liable for understanding the very issues you fought for.”
I don’t think I want to be in this bubble any longer. I’m being called to be something bigger than myself.
Earlier this month, I went to go see one of my all-time favorite professors, Dr. Linda Tym.
“Dr. Tym, I want to teach...but maybe several years from now. What can a history major with a huge passion for communications do? Am I even needed by people like Apple? How can I even hope to get there?
“Phillip, do you see this rubber band? This is who you are right now.” Dr. Tym stretched the rubberband this way and that way. “You are more than capable of pursuing something in the fields you’re really passionate about, but you can’t be comfortable.” She suddenly kept stretching the rubber band until--pop!
“Your dreams are much bigger than what you’re doing every day. Do not conform to the comfortable version of you that you think you want to be.”
My real dreams? I want to be qualified to work with innovators like Apple, Google, Nike, Facebook, PlayStation, and more. I want to start something successful, and give people a platform to share their stories. I want to meet, learn from, and befriend people like LeBron James, Janet Jackson, Serena Williams, Michelle Obama, President Barack Obama, and so many more.
What’s stopping me? Myself. I’m afraid of being real. I have dreamt and dreamt for years and feel like I’ve never taken the steps for myself to grow into the person I’m supposed to be. Instead, I’ve taken the easy route for most things because I just don’t believe that I am qualified to be who I’m called to be.
My grandparents won’t be around forever, and sadly, I’m starting to really feel that sting. Soon, there won’t be a safety net I’ve always had. I won’t have my family always risking everything to help me succeed. Realistically, I know my mother will not be able to support me in graduate school, if I choose to go. My grandmother won’t be able to help me pay for graduate school as my grandfather grows older and needs more dependency. If I want to do what I know is required of me, I have to choose.
Pretty soon, I’ll need to navigate this world alone.
My family gave me everything that I’ve ever needed and didn’t know I needed. They gave me the opportunities to travel the country, and showed me what a true relationship with God looks like. My grandmother always made sure to bring me back postcards, books, and keychains from everywhere she went for work. My grandfather has always been my buddy and the man who showed me how to be a man since the one who was supposed to be there never showed up. My mom--well, she did everything in between and more. She was both parents. They all worked hard for this moment for me. I’d be a fool to waste all of their resources for a life of ease and simplicity. I feel called to be more than who I am comfortable being.
My grandparents always told me I was a blessing to their lives, and my grandmother challenged me to go and be a blessing for others. God’s calling me to do it. I can’t run away from it any longer.
My promise to myself is to look for opportunities to grow and explore the different talents I’ve been given. I don’t have to be the man of a household yet, but soon I’ll have to be. I hope to be a leader in a much bigger capacity, and I know I’m not ready to face those challenges yet. Enlist me for basic training, I guess.
“Next it was the turn of the one to whom he had given one thousand dollars to give his report. He said, ‘Sir, I knew you would be angry with me if I took the risk and lost your money. So, rather than putting it where it could be mismanaged, I decided to keep it in a safe place. And now I can give it back to you without a loss.’
The owner said, ‘You’ve been very irresponsible. You don’t know me very well, do you? You thought I was too demanding because I expected you to invest funds in my own company and increase my profits.” - Matthew 25:24-26 (Clear Word Version) The Parable of the Talents
The Parable of the Talents is one of those stories I love. A master awards his workers some money to watch over, trusting that they will do what’s right. Though talents were actually ancient units of measurement, I think the way that we use the word ‘talent’ today still applies. We have all been given talents. Maybe for you it’s a promised inheritance, and maybe for the rest of us, it’s abilities to use to be a blessing to others. I’m learning how to use mine.
Here’s a few of my dreams, some of my goals, and my obsessions: I am going to work for a fantastic company or institution. I will learn the trade, I will innovate. I will seek wisdom and understanding and grow as a person. I will be more than what I say about myself. I will be more than the negative things the critics have said, are saying, and will say about me. I will be willing to fail, because I will be vulnerable and keep learning. I will not conform to the comfortable version of me that everyone, including myself, wants me to be. For now, I will put my head down and keep learning, keep grinding, and most of all, I’ll learn to love myself. I’ll be the Phillip Warfield I’ve always wanted to be.
I’ve got a decision to make.
I’m officially dropping out of my Teacher’s Education Program. On Cinco de Mayo 2019, I’ll walk across that stage with an unorthodox diploma. I’ll have FOUR minors. English taught me to find real art in literature. Religion taught me about being patient with others who may not share my viewpoint. Education showed me the pain of settling for an occupation I may not be called to yet, but it was necessary in my own development. My last minor will be in Intercultural Communication, and I’m passionate about making a difference in our world with it. Ariana Grande mentioned her exes in her latest single, “Thank U, Next”. I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, too, but it’s time to pour into myself.
This is written for you, too. Be more. Love more. Healthily chase greatness. Don’t let anyone else, including yourself, tell you differently. If your family helped you get here, do me a favor and thank them, too. Become who you were meant to be.
