“No matter what you start, there will be a lot of people who can’t see the vision you see. It doesn’t make them bad people, but you can’t let them stop you from doing it anyway.”
"Welcome to Collegedale," a sign reads as you drive down I-75 in Tennessee, looking for a place to stop for gas, and my personal favorite, Taco Bell. I've spent the past four years here learning about life, but for now, it's only a pit stop. As I stop and glance up at the menu even though I've been eating the same exact thing for the past 20 years (4 bean burritos with no onions because why would you eat those raw spawns of death?), you nudge me. I'm in my feelings again, and Drake has nothing on me.
I'm still having the nightmares. And no, not the ones where LeBron James loses yet again to the Golden State Warriors...Oh wait. I'm still trying to overcome some pain and I have so many frustrations. Ever been judged, misunderstood, and taken out of context at the same time? Well yeah, that's leadership--a painful, but rewarding experience. For so long, I've focused on the horrible things said about me, rather than what my Creator and what my inner circle says about me. Don't ever try and seek validation from people who don't matter. In the end, no matter what big thing you try and do, you'll find yourself stuck, oftentimes by people who mean well, but don't understand you.
"Hey! You look familiar," a well-dressed man calls after me after we've ordered our food.
Yikes, I think to myself, I really just want to lay low today and relax and chill out. I'm introverted, but it's usually not this bad.
"Do I know you from somewhere?" he asks me, as you give me that look that I've gotten used to. No, I'm not popular, and never wanted to be, but a couple of things (whether for good or for worse) made it this way.
"Oh!! You were the President for the students at one point, weren't you?" the well-dressed man has hit it right on the head. That was me. Woo-hoo. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my job, but it took an emotional toll most of the time...but the growth was an experience of a lifetime. Still glad it happened).
We talk awhile with the well-dressed man and decide to head back to the car so I can recharge some social energies and we can get back on the road. Here we go again.
“Building the bridge means you have to be willing to be walked on yourself.”
I dreamt that my university would be a place where all people can be a part of and learn about each other. I hoped for people to flourish in a community that understood others and craved to do it. It’s the most diverse university in the American South, and there are ways to demonstrate that...but before we get there, there was work to be done. We're located in the Deep South, and there's a lost cause that permeates our world down here. I know what this university has been known for in the past, and I was determined to help us conquer it. This is what I set out to do.
This tweet is just one of the many things said to me regarding a horrible situation that happened this past February (I'll talk about this in a future post...it's a crazy story). I had to learn that such people were so angry with a reoccurring circumstance and an unkind history that they were willing to take it out on me and claim that I didn't understand. If only people had taken the time to understand what I was doing, but instead I was viciously taken out of context. In a perfect world, I wish we could have these conversations over social media with listening ears and loving hearts. There are days when I wish I wasn't such an idealist or a romanticist, but I know why I was created--why people like you were created. It's sobering.
So how was this African American kid going to conquer microaggressions, hate, fear, institutional racism (it's complex--if you don't get it, it'll be explained), and prejudice at a school with a difficult history ALL in one year? I wasn't. When I began this journey, I was just 20 years old, and I wasn't some administrator. But I wanted to help us address it. I knew we could get there.
Why did You let me go through all of this, God? Why do people take each other out of context just to blow up on social media with likes, shares, and retweets? I'm not anybody's Uncle Tom. I'm not anyone's coon. I'm just actually willing to be in the arena fighting for something greather than myself. Why do I feel alone? It feels like there's no one fighting with me. Why do people who look like me demonize me and claim I'm ashamed of my race? Where are those mentors who look like me? Why did they leave me alone by myself and claim they'd always be there for me? Why didn't they tell me the truth? Why do some people on my team refuse to understand? Why am I always the bad guy? Why did You give me this overwhelming vision and create me with this need to create with passion? I NEVER WANTED TO BE ANYBODY'S POSTER BOY! Why can't I forgive... I didn't want this…
“You never said I wouldn’t go through it. You just said I wouldn’t be alone.”
Here I am still confused about it all. And I mean, everything. I still have nightmares about this past year. A lot of pain, questions, and frustrations. I’ve been judged, misunderstood, and taken out of context. Maybe I'm just angry...or maybe I'm still processing. I'm learning to be okay with that, and maybe you are learning to be okay with your own situations, too. I’ve decided to share a lot of what happened this year with you all, and maybe as it encourages me, it’ll encourage you. This is my true story. This Is Me.
Welcome to phillipwarfield.com, our own little hub where, if you choose to, you can learn about me and we can explore our world together. I'm pretty introverted and self-conscious about sharing things about me, but sometimes we all need that little push. I'm just a guy with a really, really big dream, and I know so many of you who feel lost and need those encouraging voices.
"All of this, from one little town in the middle of hicktown Tennessee?" you ask, as we continue our journey through familiar destinations.
"Yeah..." I trail off, staring out the window towards the Appalachian sunset, still in my thoughts. I guess I'm realizing there's still so much to unpack, and maybe we can do it together.
Very many of us have been taken out of context and misunderstood, and I’ve realized that in our world today, it’s absolutely normal. Maybe, though, my story can give us all some context. Bridge-making is an arduous experience and there have been several parts of me that I have decided to repress and sacrifice, sometimes to a fault...but not anymore. Thanks for joining me. Let's journey together.
It's gonna be a long road trip.
"The Lord will go with you. He will not forsake you. Don't be afraid or become discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:8, Clear Word Version