“I wanna be great but I get in the way of myself and I think about everything that I could never be.”
Originally written June 3rd, 2019, but left unpublished.
This weekend I was met with the all too familiar questions from well-meaning adults. “Why are you still in the area? What kind of job are you looking at? Are you thinking about Graduate school?” Then, there’s the really limiting assumptions. “Ah, a history major. We need more lawyers. You’d be such an asset to those knuckleheads up on capitol hill--a smart, intelligent, Black man worth listening to. Why didn’t you just be a teacher like your mother or your grandmother?”
While all of these questions generated some great conversations about why I do what I do, I could have gone a few more weeks without having to explain to people why I (at least right now) have no plans to go to law school and why I’m not so interested in teaching high school or college right now.
I went for a walk this past Saturday evening to try and clear my head. Staying alone in my dark room on a really sunny day (as much as I love darkness) wasn’t going to make me feel any better. When I’m frustrated, I talk to God. That day, I was yelling inside. “WHY? Why can’t I just know what it is You want me to do? Why does it feel like I can never reach the level I’m looking to achieve. Why can’t I be successful?”
“Most of my life’s full of sad days, started at a young age...Tryna find the real me, I ain’t find it yet. Wake up every morning feeling like I’m guilty. Talk to God, ‘Can You hear me?’ Lately I’m a mess. I don’t want no one to help me.”
What is my level of success? I feel like on paper it’s not that big of a deal. Ya know? I’m just wanting to be some kind of storyteller….Here come the voices: You can’t be a storyteller. That medium is already so filled up with other creatives who are so much better than you. You went to school and got a degree in history. You wasted your time as an undergraduate tackling issues so much bigger than yourself, so much so that you never developed the skills that are the most meaningful to you. Leave the storytelling to the YouTubers, your creative friends, your inspirations.
“What’s your definition of success? I don’t trust the thoughts that come inside my head. I don’t trust this thing that beats inside my chest. Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect; why?”
Wow, there it is again. The voice(s?) that tells me I cannot attain any level of success.
I like to think of myself of having the potential to do something, anything great. Every time I sit down and try and challenge myself to do something new, however, I stop in my tracks. Who would want to listen to a podcast if I created one? Who would dare take the time to read my blog posts or my book if I write one? Who would watch my shoddy documentary? Why aren’t my pictures on social media feeds the way that I want them to be? How come I can come up with a speech in less than 2 minutes (I actually did this for my Senior Class Response at my college graduation), but I can’t come up with a creative angle, filter, and excellent composition for a dynamic photo? Why does it feel as though some art is just not destined for me?
I can’t motivate myself to move everyday. I don’t want to waste my time consuming everyone’s content. I can tell you all of the details of the latest Apple products, the hottest releases in gaming, and what my favorite basketball player is doing right now, but I can’t get myself to start a manuscript on my book, test my podcasting gear, or try and learn how to take a decent picture. I’m not trying to be distracted, but I’m definitely feeling as though nothing is coming out of me.
Then there’s the decisions: Once again, my dude, God has given you gifts. C’mon bruh, just choose your starting place. But if you choose this one...you’ll end up here, or there, or everywhere, or...nowhere. Who are you to have dreams, goals, and limitless possibilities? You’re just Phillip Warfield, a fatherless, unmentored, copycat that won’t succeed in any position. You can’t even remember basic instructions anymore.
“Life’s about taking chances, making moves. Not about what you did, it’s what you do. Build on what you got and learn from what you lose. And never let people distract you from being you.”
If I go to this Graduate school, will I ruin my chances at becoming great at this job or some other ideal version of myself? Will people end up giving me all kinds of hurtful labels again because I’ve chosen one path or another? Will some of the people I look up to be disappointed in me because I’m not living up to my potential? How can I know if I’m following the right path and who can even guide me? Why can’t I rid myself of the acceptance from everyone else? Can’t I be my own man?
You can’t take pictures of yourself if your forehead is now breaking out for the first time and somehow your tummy looks a little bigger than it used to be.
“I push away the people that I love the most; why?”
It’s during this time that I usually ghost everyone around me. Unable to breathe outside of my own self-talk and coming dangerously close to unwanted self-pity, I normally have to pull myself out of bed, shower, eat breakfast, and try and exercise. These are moments when my girlfriend grows extremely concerned for me, and lately it’s been happening way more than I would appreciate.
“I might do some things you don’t like. We all mistakes, that’s just life. They might say I changed, that’s alright.”
Will I forever be haunted by what I didn’t choose? Enough that I never choose at all? That’s my fear. Too many interests, not enough self-motivation--at least right now, for some reason.
“You want something in life, then why don’t you go and get it? Actions speak louder than words do, it’s quiet isn’t it? Look at the world we live in, defined by comment sections. Surround yourself with people that challenge how you think, not people that nod their head and act like they agree. Those people will cut you open just to watch you bleed. Always be yourself, not the person that you pretend to be, no!”
You will never have what you want. Your ambitions will destroy you, so why are you even trying to be that much better? Remember what happened to your favorite person, Michael Jackson? Remember that? He did all of that work, people took him out of context (and still are), he did so much...and guess what? He’s dead now.
Why don’t you start that podcast you so want? You know you hate the sound of your own voice and so will everyone else. Just be in the background. Your friend offered you to do the reception video at her wedding. Go on, give it a try, you’ll probably do an awful job, knowing you.
Yikes. It keeps happening, even as I try and write this. Sometimes self-talk becomes a̶w̶f̶u̶l̶ good for you (̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶x̶i̶c̶ ̶s̶e̶l̶f̶-̶t̶a̶l̶k̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶o̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶’̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶g̶r̶a̶v̶e̶)̶.̶
I have to l̶o̶s̶e̶ win.
“These people gon’ tell you that you will never make it. Then when you do, they gon’ say they knew you were goin’ places. That’s just how it works, next thing you know, you’ll be overrated. Hearing people say they miss the ‘old you,’ it’s crazy ain’t it?”
Friends who knew me before I became a student leader have recounted the moments they loved about me most. I was so much more at ease then, so much more caring, loving, and I apparently smiled more. I know that that year did a number on me, but I didn’t expect it to really impact me as heavily as it did, for better and for worse. I miss aspects of the “old me,” but had to quickly learned to grow a thicker skin. T̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶h̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.
Everything and nothing interests me all at once, and it’s a really peculiar place to be in. I think I may have figured out what to do, though. A bit drastic, but experimentation helps, right?
Summers are usually the hardest for me. I think I’m going to challenge myself to stay away from high-impact comparison areas: some social media (Instagram, FB, sometimes Twitter), and challenge myself to create something every week. I am taking a class at the same time, but if I rely on that as my reason to not fully commit to creating, I’m afraid I’ll never try anything at all. I’ll be perpetually irritated after I watch, like, comment, or anything more if I watch my friends develop and post about their skills. I just can’t do that anymore, at least for the duration of summer. At least until I can form some kind of goal for myself along my Path of Becoming.
I just believe in doing something so much larger than me. In order to do that and find my own path, a break may be what I need.
Just thinking aloud.
“Perfect people don’t exist, so don’t pretend to be one. I don’t need pats on the back from people for my achievements. When I die, I wanna know that I lived for a reason. Anyone can take your life, but not what you believe in.”